Carbonated soft drinks found to be leading cause of global warming.

Carbonated soft drinks found to be leading cause of global warming. 

The Farmington Institute of Global Studies found in a six-year study that the CO2 found in soft drinks and carbonated beverages were the leading cause of carbon dioxide that has been leading to global warming. The study in part funded by the UN Counsel for Climate Studies and the NOAA, found that the amount of CO2 released into the atmosphere every year by soda dispensing machines and opening carbonated beverages such as cans and bottles led to a dramatic increase in CO2 put into the environment. Dr. Richard Kopft, the head researcher of the study, said the findings were “dramatic.” “This entire time we thought the primary contributor to CO2 and so-called “greenhouse gases” was the burning of fossil fuels,” he stated at a press conference held late Friday afternoon, “when actually a good part of the global climate warming is caused by the CO2 emitted by sodapop.”

Janis Ritoff, NOAA researcher, added “The automobile isn’t killing us,” she stated “it the soda fountain at McDonald’s, Burger King, and  Kentucky Fried Chicken this whole time!  We thought they were just bad for our waistline.  We didn’t know that they were also causing the polar bears to die.” 

Dr. Sanji Krupra, renowned physician, commented on this newly discovered phenomena. “As it gets hotter,” he said “people drink more soda, causing it to get hot, causing them to drink more soda. It’s a vicious cycle.  I don’t think that the soda pop industry can be held innocent in this case.  They’ve known what’s occurring for years but have ignored that CO2 is causing the warming and now we are all paying for it.”

A Starbucks representative was giddy at the news, simply saying “Drink more coffee!!!”

True phone conversation…

Me:  Hello, Ed speaking.  May I help you?

Him:  Yes, did you get the labtop in I sent you?

Me:  Huh?  Who is this?

Him:  It’s me! Chris.

Me:  Chris?

Him:  Yeah, Chris.  I sent you my labtop last week.  I broke the screen.  Did you get it in yet?

Me:  I’m sorry…did you say “labtop”?

Him:  Yeah.  I sent my labtop and the confirmation says it was signed for.  Do you have it?

Me:  Yes, but it’s called a lap-top.  Not lab-top.

Him: Really?  Are you sure?

Me:  Well, 20-plus years in IT, multiple IT certifications, college level course…yeah, pretty sure.

Him: Well, we all call them labtops here on the west coast.  I think they are just called laptops in the midwest.

Me: *facepalm*  Okay…whatever….. 


Somedays it’s just not worth the fight…